From: George Huffman
To: The Arctic
Subject: Your poor performance
cc: Chris Parker
I hope you’re enjoying your time of darkness of which I’ve once again provided by baiting the Sun Southward as per our agreement.
Now about that agreement – I sit here writing this letter to you from the WRONG side of the Mona Passage. Yes, Samana is nice, and they have many bananas and other entertaining and delicious diversions, but it’s just not Puerto Rico. But even in getting here from Puerto Plato, we took a pounding into head seas. Head seas and winds! TRADEWINDS!
I’m here to remind you that you are obligated by contract to disrupt those tradewinds. Your recent efforts have been woefully lacking. Pathetic really. You need to bring it!
I mean, for real? You have the fucking jet stream at your whim. Are you going to let some little tropical convergence zone keep you from doing the right thing? Fuck that. Get off your ass and BLOW, dammit!
I can always just get frustrated to the point I bring back the Sun early, too, you know. I mean, if you really want to go there…but I’ve seen the before and after pictures of your glaciers, and they are looking kind of sickly, dude. And how much can that ol’ Ross Ice Shelf take before it just slides right off? Don’t think this is just idle chatter. I mean it this time.
You only need to get me to 65 West and you can tuck your lousy ass back up to Canukia for the duration for all I care.
Anytime after the 9th, Bitch. I’ll be standing by.
P.S. I know where the Ross Ice Shelf is. It’s fucking satire… sheeesh.